Grief and the 12 Steps: A Shared Journey Toward Healing

Grief is not a linear process. It can feel chaotic, disorienting, and all-consuming. Whether you're grieving the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, a lost identity, or a life that didn’t unfold the way you imagined, the emotional landscape of grief often mimics the emotional, psychological, and spiritual unraveling—and rebuilding—that individuals experience in 12-step recovery programs.

As a therapist, I’ve seen how powerful it can be to draw parallels between grief work and the 12 steps. While grief is not an addiction, the healing journey it invites us on shares many of the same qualities: surrender, honesty, self-reflection, connection, and ultimately, transformation.

Here’s how grief, like a 12-step program, calls us into deeper healing:

Step 1: Acknowledging Powerlessness

“We admitted we were powerless…”
The first step in a 12-step program is the moment of truth: recognizing that you can’t control your addiction or circumstances and that life has become unmanageable.

In grief, this moment often arrives when the loss first hits. You realize you can’t undo what happened. No amount of logic, bargaining, or reworking the past will change the reality of what is gone. There’s a deep, sobering power in that moment—a letting go of control, and with it, the beginnings of surrender.

Step 2: Finding Hope in Something Greater

“Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
Grief often leads us to question everything—our beliefs, our purpose, even our identity. In this search for meaning, many people find themselves reaching toward something greater: spirituality, community, nature, love, or simply the hope that healing is possible.

You don’t need to subscribe to any particular religion or doctrine to feel this step resonate. It’s about trusting that pain will not always feel this big, that transformation is possible even in the face of profound sorrow.

Step 3: Letting Go

“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over…”
Letting go is a theme that surfaces over and over again in grief. Letting go of the life you had. Letting go of the life you planned. Letting go of the person you used to be. Letting go of the need to have all the answers.

This step encourages us to release the illusion of control—not to quit, but to surrender. To stop resisting the flow of pain and instead let ourselves be supported by community, therapy, meaning-making, or whatever sustains us.

Step 4: Taking Inventory

“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”
In grief, self-reflection becomes unavoidable. Loss often forces us to confront not just what we’ve lost, but who we are now. What mattered most about that person or relationship? What regrets do we carry? What unfinished business still weighs on us?

This is the deep work—sitting with uncomfortable feelings, recognizing patterns, and understanding how our past informs our present. It’s a vulnerable and vital part of the journey.

Step 5: Speaking Truth

“Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”
While this step in the 12-step program is focused on confession and accountability, in grief, it often means being honest about your experience. This might involve admitting feelings of guilt, anger, resentment, or relief—emotions that many grievers experience but are afraid to say aloud.

Therapy, support groups, or even trusted friendships can be sacred spaces for this honesty. Speaking truth allows us to integrate our grief rather than carry it alone.

Step 6 & 7: Willingness and Humility

These steps speak to becoming ready to release what no longer serves us and asking for support in doing so. In grief, that might look like being willing to let go of the belief that you “should be over it by now,” or releasing the guilt that healing means forgetting.

Grief humbles us. It cracks us open. And in that space of vulnerability, growth becomes possible.

Steps 8 & 9: Making Amends

In grief, this might mean writing a letter to someone who is gone, expressing what was never said. It may also involve forgiving yourself or others, or making peace with aspects of the relationship that were difficult. Closure may not come all at once, but each step toward amends can be healing.

Steps 10–12: Continued Practice and Service

Grief doesn’t end—it changes form. We carry it with us, and over time, we learn to walk alongside it rather than beneath it.

Continuing to process emotions (Step 10), staying connected to whatever spiritual or reflective practice grounds you (Step 11), and using your experience to support others (Step 12) are all part of what makes grief not just survivable, but meaningful.

Many people eventually find ways to transform their pain into purpose—whether through advocacy, creativity, relationships, or simply by showing up more fully in their lives.

Grief is a Process, Not a Problem

It’s important to remember: grief is not something to “fix.” It’s not a sign that something is wrong with you. It is a process—a sacred one—that mirrors the kind of inner work and transformation seen in 12-step recovery.

Both grief and recovery teach us that healing doesn’t come from bypassing pain, but from moving through it with intention, support, and a willingness to be changed by it.

If you’re grieving and feel lost in the process, you’re not alone. And you don’t have to go through it alone.

Therapy can be a space where you’re supported through each “step,” wherever you may be on your path.