Grieving What Could Have Been

The Relationship That Never Was

Most of the grief articles and forums I see are dedicated to the loss of a beloved family member. Stories, poems, and tributes to the loss of a loved one are filled with declarations and promises of a love that will never be forgotten.

It’s easy from this to assume that every person lost is being mourned by someone they had a long, loving, and meaningful relationship with. Even within bereavement groups, it can be assumed that people will only take the time to attend and to grieve for someone they loved and will miss.

But grief, like life—and like our relationships themselves—can be much more complicated than that.

Relationships are complicated. People are complicated. Whether it’s family, a friend, or a partner, it can be very hard to get along with each other, no matter how hard we try. We have expectations for the people in our lives, and they for us, and unfortunately, those expectations don’t always match. And of course, this overly simplistic view doesn’t even touch on other factors that can challenge relationships, like mental illness, substance use, or family history.

When we lose someone we had a complicated relationship with, the turmoil doesn’t necessarily leave with them. Because when they’re gone, we lose not only the difficulties and challenges but also the hope that things could ever be made right.

I don’t care who you are—most of us are, by nature, optimistic. Especially when it comes to family and those we love, no matter how many times we may say or think, “I am done with this person, they are not good for me, and I can’t have them in my life anymore,” there’s still usually a small sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe, someday...

And then “someday” disappears.

How do we reconcile the fact that there was never the chance to make things right?
That the person we loved never became the person we hoped they would be, or never showed us the love we had always craved? What if their loss means there will never be a chance to say we’re sorry—or to hear them ask for forgiveness?

Losing and grieving someone we had a complicated relationship with leaves the same void in our lives as other losses, but it can carry even more unanswered questions and unfinished business.

Finding understanding in grieving this type of loss is not always easy, especially since those around us may assume there is relief or release once a difficult person is gone.
Would we find more support if we could explain that we are grieving not just the person, but the relationship we never had—or never will have?

And most importantly, how do we ever let go of the yearning to make things right?

Letting go may be one of the hardest parts of complicated grief. Like telling an angry person to “calm down,” it rarely works by suggestion alone. Letting go takes real work, real reflection, and a genuine desire to move past what never was and move toward what can be.

It will involve time, patience, and perhaps most of all, compassion—for ourselves and for the person who is gone. By trying to understand (perhaps better than ever before) who they were, where they came from, and what shaped their experiences, we can gain a better understanding of them, ourselves, and the kind of legacy we want to leave behind.